Freaky Friday!!!!

well,well,well

Hump Day.

It's Heather Time!

So I do FINALLY have good news to report this Monday morning. I did get through Athfest without loosing my mind and I have got to tell you, I am sooooo happy that it is all over. I told the band that I will not be doing any music at very least for a month. I dont feel like having to stress about a show and practicing right now. I also got to talk with Pete finally last night. It went really well too! I set him free yesterday and he was ok with it. So now (well yesterday) starts the begining of Heather time and what better way to start than a vacation! I leave on Saturday and will be back Wed. So no TDP and no worries about eating/drinking. I cant posssible gain that much in a 3 day span and I know that I will be having some much needed runs on the beach, best of all though, I get to see Barbara! It is going to be sooooo much freaking fun! I cant wait. I am going to enjoy the salt water air and just relax. So what do I plan to do with all this time to myself? Well I will tell you. I plan to watch a lot of movies and buy a really good book and write some new music and cook really healthy meals and most of all talk to myself out loud. Just be ok with being alone for the first time in my life and I couldnt be more excited about it. I am going to get off this medication and really take this time to just be me and find out who the hell I really am and what I really like to do. You dont know me but I can tell you that I am addicted to people and truthfully never alone except for the hour or two before bed. I just get home from work or gym and immediately go out to do something. That stops today and I know that I will be saving a ton of money and loose a little bit of weight because I wont be at the bars. I may go to a happy hour every once in a while but as far as going out and partying all the time and being always in a crowd of people. Nope, no more for me! I am commiting to not doing it until August anyway. I will not date anyone (unless that guy from the gym asks me out but he never will. lol). I really mean it too. I am free and I am going to bask in it. I will have 9 days off starting on Saturday!!!! 4 days at the beach and then will have 5 days to do the master cleanse and clear my head even more. This will be the best therapy yet!
-Heather

Peter, Paul and Heather????

Well last night did not involve dinner with Alex and Karen sadly enough. I had to announce at the Music Awards and Paul called me so I needed to meet with him to get my feelings off of my chest. I am so glad that I did too. Let me tell you it wasnt easy it was a grulling 3 hour conversation that kept going back and forth. I told him everything. That I needed time to myself and that I couldnt be in a relationship with him at this point (trust me I do want to) I just need the time to transition. I went straight from a divorce (actually it wasnt even final yet) into a realationship with Pete. I really havent even been able to cope with that. That I need some much needed me time and I cant get involved in something serious right now because that would be taking the focus off of me. I am so tired inside and out and I need a rest. I have been going 100 miles a minute now for 2 years. I decided no more music for a month no talking to Pete or Paul unless I run into them and just hang out at myself and close friends at thier houses or mine. I am not going down town unless there is something special going on or I really feel like I can be social. I am going to take very good care of myself. Keep on exercising and eating very healthy. I feel the best I ever have now. I am going to come off of this medicine and I am going to just have to figure out how to be well, me. I can do it with out the help of drugs. I am thinking that 2 months of completely being with myself will do a world of difference and then I can incorporate everything else in my life but in MODERATION!!!! I finally got this through to Paul. He was talking about marrage (after only seeing eachother for under a month!!!!) and I had to keep reminding him of this. He told me that he was in love with me. I told him that he needs to date other people and not wait for me, that I dont have a time line on when I will feel like hanging out again. It could be a month or three or a year. I dont know. I do know that it is all working out right now for me. I will talk to Pete probably on Sunday and get it all out with him. That will be easy because he knows what I want and he is a very understanding person. Then it is off on vacation and get my mind back!!!! I am thankful for everybody who has been there for me through all of this. When I left his house last night I felt so bad but I did tell him that sometimes doing what is right is what causes the most pain. I do think that is true. It was very hard for me to do it to him because I do think that we could have a bright future and do adore him but if it is that special it wont change no matter how much time I have to myself. I have all the time in the world and in the grand screen of things it really isnt too much to as. So it looks like I just have to take one day at a time.

Waiting Game.

I am just sitting and waiting for Paul to call me to say that he is home so that I can go over there and tell him that I cant see him anymore. That it is too hard for the both of us. He was going to call me as soon as he got home yesterday and I was going to come over buthe never called. Meanwhile I am downtown having two drinks to get myself prepared to have "the talk". I am kinda pissed but I know that he isnt home so that may mean that he wanted to stay longer or he had car trouble. Paul is one of the only people that I know that doesnt have a cell phone so he cant just give me a call to tell me what's up. I was so hoping that I would have good news to report. Instead I am playing the waiting game. I am sure that he will call me and I may have to miss dinner to see him tonight. I dont know yet. I do know that he already has plans his weekend so this has got to happen tonight or else it will have to wait until next week, which will drive me mad. Pete says that he wants to talk to me after I talk to Paul. That he has questions to ask me about Paul and I and our relationship. Do you think that it is any of his business? Even in the distant (and I mean so distant that it 90% wont happen?). I mean I did sleep with both of them. OOooooppss. That sucks I know but you all have slept with your boyfriend after you broke up. Dont lie. I know that it is the worst thing that you can do but it happens. Anyway, when I get done with the show on Saturday I am going to tell the band no more shows for a while. I just need a rest and some time to myself. I am going to cut if off with Paul and Pete and then I am going to have me time. I am going on vacation and going to enjoy just hanging out with myself. It's weird when you go downtown every weekend you feel like if you dont go down there that you miss something or something. I am just going to go to happy hour if I feel the erge to be around people and then leave around 9:30-10:00 before people go downtown. I will go downtown but only is it is a special occasion. No more going out just for the hell of it. It will cut the drinking to. I am house sitting this weekend so that will help too! I can relax in the air conditioner. I just want all this drama to be over with and I am ready to start my new life. I am overwhelmed and ready to take control of my own life. I feel good other wise really. After this week it's on and my vacation starts on Saturday of next week. When I come back I will totally be recharged and feeling 100%. Until then I guess I will just have to wait!

The day that I HAVENT been waiting for.

I cant believe this shit. I just wrote a HUGE thing and it got erased by this dumb ass blog site. This is bullshit. I am pissed. Ok so here's the readers digest version...sorry.

So tonight is the night that I have got to tell Paul what is up. I am SO not looking forward to it. I know that as soon as I walk in the door he will give me a kiss and I know that I will like it which will just make things harder. I dont know if I should just walk straight in and start talking or wait a little while. I guess I will wait a bit and then tell him that I have some things on my mind and I would really like to talk. I have no idea what I will say but I do know some reverse physcology and know that you should always bookend a bad conversation with positive thoughts about the person that way they go into it and leave the coversation with positive thoughts. So here it goes this is what I think that I will say....
"Paul, I am so glad that I met you. You have been so incredibly good to me through out our relationship thus far. I have spent a lot of time thinking while you have been out of town and mulling things over. In the begining I think that we both were ok with the idea of us having a casual relationship and just enjoying our time together. I do however think that the more time that we have spent together the more that we have grown to like eachother more. I am so oevrwhelmed with so much. It really came out of no where me meeting you and the feelings that I developed for you so quickly. I have got to allow myself the time and space to get over my realationship with Pete and I have to have this time to transition myself and be ok with me being alone for a while, I havent not had a boyfriend in 10 years. That is crazy. I want to jump in head first but my body, mind and soul will not allow me too. I am literally exhausted from doing so much here of late and I just cant go on like this. I think that you are a wonderful person and if I didnt care about you so much I wouldnt do this. I hope that one day this could work out for us (I really do) but the timing is not right for me. I adore you Paul and dont want to hurt you so by me telling you this is extremely hard for me. I just think that the more that we hang out the more that we will like eachother and if I did jump into something with you now, later I would want to be alone and allow myslef my space. I would rather do this now and get it over with so that I can have a fresh start and be able to put forth the effort that a realationship needs. I need a few months that's all to see where I am at. It is too easy for me to just go out with you because I am so weak right now and love the affection I get from you. I cant let myself do this. We have only known each other for a short time and really feel like I need to do this now before it is too late. I hope that you understand that I would'nt do this unless I didnt care as much as I do for you. What are your feelings?" Does that sound good? Let me know. I am trying to do this as painless as possible. I dont want to completely crush the guy. If i can do this than my life will be easier, it will hurt me too but I know that this is what I need. Shut the door on both of them and be ALONE. I need some much needed Heather time. I will wait to talk to Pete until Saturady (we were going to talk last night but I decided to walk so I had to leave right after practice so that I could make it home before dark. I live in a bad neighborhood.) We are playing a big show and it will be our last one together. We did talk about that last night so that is good and going in the right direction. He knows anyway how I feel and knows that it is coming so it is not going to be half as hard for me as the Paul situation is. So I pray that I have some good news to report tomorrow just keep me in your thoughts around 8:00 tonight!

My life sucks and you know it's true.

My life sucks at this very moment. Look at the time right now while you are reading this. I am thinking about how my life sucks right now. I am so unhappy right now, with so many things that are going on right now. I am at 117.8 (really who gives a fuck). The ring that I had recently made especially for me cracked and there is a big hole in it. Ok listen to this story (I swear my life moves so fast and I cant seem to stop it!!!!). It's always been that way. I called Beth, the girl that made the ring and she said that she would fix it for me. I am happy about that but listen to this shit. Yesterday I went to Pete's in hopes of talking, that's what he said that he wanted to do (I was going to stick to my plan of just telling him that I cant be in a realationship with him.) I mean dont get me wrong, I love Pete but I cant be with him unless he basically becomes a different person. (Sigh) I was over there and we were just talking about what went on during our day, I was SO freaking tired from my areobics class and I could barely think. I asked him if he wanted to talk and he said "Not right now." I was glad because I really didnt have the energy. I want to be able to talk to him when I have enough energy to tell him everything. GOD HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL THESE BOYS THE SAME THING??? I was sitting there and he said "oh, I met Leon today." It's this guy that owns the bike shop (right next door to the place that I got my ring made.) He was telling me that he thought he was nice. I was like "Why were you over there?" He said that he saw some wood that he wanted to use for some art and so he went over there to go and get it. This is when he says "And...I met Beth too." (the lady that made the ring). I was surprised and asked why he was there. He said that he just wanted to look at the shop. I was like "Yeah, right." He then told me that he was really there because he wanted to buy me something special. I was totally surprised and then relized that he was talking to her to get me a ring made. He was kinda crying and said now is not the right time to talk about this but soon. I really think that he is having a ring made for me to ask me to marry him...Seriously what the fuck? I am so upset right now. I cant believe that I am going to have to go through this. Paul in the mean time is calling me and I just cant handle this anymore. When Paul gets back I am going to have to tell him that I cant hang out with him anymore. Should I tell him that I think that Pete is going to ask for my hand and I just cant take the stress of all this??? Please e-mail me your thoughts if you can. heatherheyn@athensfirstbank.com or you can TDP me. If you do that. I am also going to have to tell Pete that I need my time from him as well. Maybe he will decide against it. I dont know. I have such mixed emotions about the whole thing. I dont want to settle. By the way, remember how I went to that physic and she told me that I was going to get engaged? Anyway, this is something that I have to do even though I dont want to. I love Paul todeath but cant do this to myself or him. I have to distant myself from both of them and be alone. I have go to clear my head and just have my own time. I hope that they both understand this. Paul I know will be upset and probably go out with someone else. Pete will probably go out and try and do the same. Maybe I should go and see the physic again? hmmmm. So there you have it. My life that is literally falling apart and causing me great pain. I have got to get it together. I have got to make a decision and stick with it. I thought that I could do this (the casual dating thing and just date sereval people to see what I like.) I cant do it though. HELP!
10:25-Ok I had to do something so I just called Pete, I told him all about Paul and how he wants me to be his girlfriend and how that I do like him a bunch but with both of them pressuring me to make a decision I cant take it. I could'nt really go into it on the phone but he was very understanding. I did tell him that I was going to talk to Paul tomorrow (I have been very honest with both guys about my feelings and about each other. That is the one thing that I have done right.) I am just going to have to find the right words to do it. I will not do it over the phone that is for sure. I just wanted to give you a update. I will be writing on Thurseday to say that I did it and feel good about it. It is harder for me to tell Paul than it is to tell Pete. I like Paul better and he has been so sweet to me.

Having the Mondays are we?

I am hungover and feeling really weird. I went and had some damn margarita's last night with a girl that I dont know that well but use to go to the same areobics class with. We talked all night (spent 3 hours drinking there) about relationships (she is going through a divorce.) When we were leaving I gave her a big hug and then kissed her on the cheek (I kiss all my friends on the cheek, no big deal right?) Well then she just lays on on me....Right there in the parking lot!!! I couldnt believe it but it happened and there was really nothing that I could do about it. Anyway, that was a wierd ending to a good night. I kinda felt awkward as she was leaving but I really was trying not to show it. It's no big deal, we both were drunk and if I see her again I will just act as though nothing ever happend. I am sure that she is embarrassed this morning. Weird Weird Weird. No, I am not gay by the way, I love boys and no I dont usually kiss girls. Ok, so I am back to where I started, in more ways than one. I am kinda freaking out right now. I saw Pete and we hooked up.....I know that is SO FUCKING STUPID OF ME...Especially, because I am seeing Paul too. I have got to talk to him soon. I did tell Pete though that it didnt mean that we were getting back together that he was not going to be my boyfriend and I feel better now that we are not together. I just wanted to do it to get it out of my system and that way I wouldnt get drunk and go down town feeling like I might go home with someone. By the way guys, I can count on one hand how many people I have been sexually active with, so no I am not a slut!!! I am just human and going through a lot right now and I am enjoying not having a boyfriend, I mean I am really not doing anything wrong. I can do whatever I want! I shouldnt however get with Pete though because I need to really get out of that sistuation all together. It is hard though when you love someone but know that it isnt good for you. I am going to do better starting today and will talk to him tonight to just make sure that he understands where I am coming from and understands that I know this sounds bad but that it really didnt mean anything to me. Really, it was just sex in my book. I also need to distant myself from Paul (I am). I am proud of myself for that too. I need to just go out and hang out with people and show them and myself that I can be alone. Ok enough of that. I am going on vaction starting on June 28-July 6th! I am going to go to the beach alone unless some awesome person wants to go...Its totally my fault. I waited to the last minute to tell anyone. A vacation might be nice to take alone. Who knows, I may decide to save the money and just not go. I know though that I will be loosing some weight though. I always eat better and less when I am not sitting at work. I am also going to do that cleanse again and I am thinking that I will do it Wednesday, Thursday and Friday if possible. Then I can ease back into eating on Saturday and Sunday. I bet 110 will look good on me! My goal is to not eat over 500 calories (net) a day. I was eating 700 but I think just until I get to 110 I have got to restrict. The weather is beautiful here and I am feeling like being more active (if that is possible) then ever before. I think that right now I am the healthiest that I have ever been and feel wonderful! I am overall doing great. I just have got to calm myself down in the relationship area. Telling Pete tonight will be easy because I have already told him all this. Paul will be a little more difficult because I do really like him and want to get involved with him but really need to have this time to myself. I will still hang out with him but just not as much. I hate Mondays. I figured that I would just complain a bit to get it out of my system. I have the day planned out as far as food goes so no axiety there and not much to do at work so that is good too. Have a great week and I will be reporting about my crazy life tomorrow. Stay tuned....

Going down in more ways than one...

I am finally back down to 115! I have had to not eat at night but I got there. I will make it! I know that I can do this and I am more determined than ever. I think that if I can stay on track I will continue to go down. I am hoping to get a tan this weekend too and that always makes me feel a little better about my self. Fat always looks better tan.

So the boy plan, I dont really have one but I am about to figure it out here. I am a verbal person and I cant really figure out my problems unless I say it out loud. I am talking in my head so that should work. Oh by the way, those voices I relize was my air conditioner, and the fact that I get terrified at night and think that someone is going to break inside my house to kill me... I live alone in one of the worse neighborhoods in Athens. I love my house though (it's cheap!). Anyway, back to the plan. Tonight I am getting together with Paul (I am off the dreaded period and so I think that I will be able to think more clearly). I am going to have a few drinks so that I will be a little more at ease to talk about "us". What I basically want to say is that I think that if he wants to date someone else he is free to do so, that I am liking being single right now and really want this time to transition from my relationship with Pete. I have told him this literally five times already. I know what it is. He hangs out with me and likes me more and more everytime we hang out. He just wants me to be his girlfriend so bad. Isnt this weird. Usually it's the girl that is like that. I love him to death but I am not that attracted to him physically and he's messy and he smokes. I am going to have to tell him this, except that I am not attracted to him...That would just be ridiculous. I am going to have to tell him that if we were to hang out two things would have to happen. First he would have to tell me his age, and second he would have to quit smoking. Now I dont mind a if he has one on a occasion (even I will have one with a drink) but this smoking almost a pack a day has got to stop. There is nothing worse than waking up to smoke. I HATE it. If he feeling like I am putting too much pressure on him than I am going to have to tell him that's how I feel when he wants me to give him a answer wether or not I will go out with him. I also think that if he cant handle me not being his girlfriend and me being as busy as I am then we shouldnt see eachother anymore. I told him that I am not really that busy and it is just because I am doing a lot for the next couple of weeks, but the truth is and now I relize, I am just about the busiest person I know. If he cant deal or come with me to parties and events then we cant be together. He will not be attending my show on saturday or seeing my video. He has decided not to return to the block where his store used to be for a long time. That is good and bad. Bad because my favorite bar is next to his old shop and that is basically where everything is. And good because if we dont see each other than I just will go to my bar and hang out on that block for a while until I think that things would be cool between us. Tonight is the night. I WILL figure out something. The biggest part of me really wants to say "Paul, I think that we shouldnt see each other for a couple of months and then see where we are." Let me have this time so that IF we do start something than it will be amazing." I doubt that I will be able to say that though. You never know what a few drinks will do though. Please wish me luck if anyone is reading this damn thing and tell me what you think I should do if there is something that I havent thought of. He is very sensitive and I know that if I say that to him it will just crush him. HE said that if we werent dating that he wouldnt want to hang out with me, even a s friends. I know it is because it would be too hard for him. (Sigh) How do I get myself into this. I will ask the cards tonight before going out on what the out come will be (no I am not a hippie but I do think mine work). So yes I am going down in more ways than one. My weight and my relationships. After Paul I will have to tackle Pete. One step at a time. I have to remember to breathe, I hope I look back at this one day and laugh...

Oh Thurseday, Where's Friday?

So today is going to be a easy day. I did however, write my dad a pretty personal letter today for Father's Day. I didnt buy a card so I decided that something from the heart would be better. I am glad that I did it but it does make me nervous. We dont exactly have a good relationship and I am trying to get closer to him before time runs out. I do hope that he knows that he is loved. I am down to 117.6 today and that makes me happy but not happy enough. It totally makes me motivated and I will have to stay on track to get myself down (110) final goal. I think that if I can loose the 7 pounds I will feel fantastic and really will be in the best shape ever! I did have something really weird happen to me the other day at the wedding that I attended. It was SO hot and we were eating hot food. I had some collard greens and bulgar wheat with roasted veggies with some BBQ satan. I was wiping my face off with my napkin during dinner because it was so freaking hot and I was litterally dripping with sweat. I went to the bathroom and when I came back to the table the girl that was sitting next to me was like "Oh, Heather you have some collards on your face." I was so embarrassed and because she said it loud enough and then she said "It wasnt there before you went to the bathroom." I had my napkin in my hand and said "Well, I guess I shouldnt be wiping my face with the same napkin that I am wiping my mouth with." and just laughed. She was alluding to me throwing up in the bathroom though. I handled myslef really well and knew not to over react because that would make people think that I really had done that. Instead I just brushed it off like i didnt care. But I do care. I couldnt believe that she said that infront of people. I would just die if I thought that people thought that how I lost my weight was because I turn bulemic. I have lost about 18 pounds within the last few months and it is because I have worked my ass off. I guess it bothers me so much because years ago I was bulemic and struggled with it for years. I DONT do that anymore and truley have been working out like two times a day and eating super healthy. Oh well you cant please everybody I guess but Athens is small and if she said something like that to someone it would spread like wild fire. I have to keep positive though.On another note my teeth hurt....I found a cavity. and my front tooth feels kinda weird today. Like the nerve is damaged or something. I hope the damn thing doesnt fall out!!! It wont but I should bring my tooth brush with me and brush 3 times a day.

The boy thing is not any better. I get phone calls still from Pete and he doesnt even talk about "us". He just rambles about what is going on that day for him. I wish that he would just stop. I should just not answer his phone calls. Next week is the last time that I think that my band will play for a while. My friend that is in the band gets on my damn nerves SO fucking bad that I just cant take it anymore. I am thinking that I am going to just have to kick her out. I can practice at my house for god sake and really dont need her flute abilities. As for Paul, I dont want to spend the night on Friday (we are going out to dinner and then a drink and then to his house.) I want to get up early and go to the farmers market so that I can get some REAL tomatoes. That would involve me waking up at 8:00 and getting there 30 minutes before they open (9:30). It would just be nice to have my coffee and at least dont look hung over. I am just going to tell him that tonight. I hope he doesnt get mad. If he does I am just going to tell him that he is putting too much pressure on me and that I dont think that we should see each other anymore. I really love the boy but there are somethings that REALLY get to me and I am going to be pretty picky this time around. Well that's pretty much that for me today. I ho pe to just get through this week and next week and then it will be 9 days off for me!

So today is going to be a easy day. I did however, write my dad a pretty personal letter today for Father's Day. I didnt buy a card so I decided that something from the heart would be better. I am glad that I did it but it does make me nervous. We dont exactly have a good relationship and I am trying to get closer to him before time runs out. I do hope that he knows that he is loved. I am down to 117.6 today and that makes me happy but not happy enough. It totally makes me motivated and I will have to stay on track to get myself down (110) final goal.

In the life of a period...

So we all know that periods suck but the worst thing is when you gain a whole bunch or weight during it. 3-5 pounds is about what a normal, regular person gains during the damn thing. I am praying that I have gain 5 because that would bring back to my current goal of 115 pounds. I would love to be at 110 with a BMI of 19.5. I am so freaking strict with my diet I rarely ever go over my calories and infact try to burn half of them off giving me about 500-700 calories net. I eat around 1200 calories (normal guys) and I still have issues with getting the weight off. I also work out twice a day and lift a ton of weights (muscle burns fat faster). I am a vegitarian (with the exception of a can of tuna) and I dont eat dairy unless it is a VERY special occassion. I dont know what I am doing wrong but I think that maybe I am holding on to water and will cut the salt out to see if that helps. For those of you that are reading this and may be on your period, dont stress you did not gain 5 pounds in 3 days and it will come off. I am telling myself this too.

Now back to me!!! My life and what the hell is going on. I am mainly writing this because I would like to see what is going on with me later and compare it to what is going on now. I really want to progress with things and I find it interesting to look through my diary and read previous postings. Since this is my first blog let me tell you about my self.
Heather:
I am 26 years old and pretty crazy. I do things to the extreme when I do them and am quite the perfectionist which I am currently working on. I live by myself in Athens, GA. I moved there to persue music. I play music with an array of people and am in two different bands. I play guitar, violin,bass, keyboards and sing. I love this because this is my outlet, however it keeps me VERY busy and really between my job, working out and music I have no time. I am very social and am always hanging out in social situations and always on the go. This brings me to my current man situation...Peter my ex now boyfriend (41) is a total drunk. He is in a few awesome bands that you probably know but shoudnt mention because of privacy reasons for him. That is orginally what attracted me to him. I love the music that he plays. He is pretty cute too. After a year and a half I have broken up with him. He lives off the music he made in the 90's and when I have to wake up and go to my corporate job and he gets to drink and write music (on an album he has been working on for 7 years!!!) it kinda got to me. He also never really did anything nice for me either. Well that has all changed. Now he wants me back and is fighting really hard. I am not going back. Partly because I have met somebody that has been wonderful. BUT there are faults....His name is Paul and he is just the biggest sweetheart and super nice to me however, he is messy and smokes and is old (he actually wont tell me how old he is) and I am not that attracted to him physically. That may sound like a lot of bad things but when you hang out with someone that is so nice and has the connection that we do it is hard to say no to the thought of a relationship. I have been very honest with him and told him that I am not ready for a serious relationship. I am not. I was married went directly into a relationship with Pete and I am not going to jump in head first with Paul. My emotions, body and brain says no. There is no possible way that I can do it now. Last night he got pretty upset and said that he wanted to know how long it would be before we could start a serious relationship. I dont have that answer and to be honest I am not even sure that it will happen. I am not sure that he is the one that I want to get involved with AND I am not about to make a decision when I am on my period. I need to talk to my therapist bad and wont get to see her until the 26th of June. That's just a few weeks. I would get involved with him but when I have a boyfriend I usually get involved for years and I am not ready to invest that much time even if you are the most special person in the world. I feel like if it is meant to be that it will happen when I am ready, if not so be it. I am feeling pressure from him and I dont like it. It makes me not want to hang out with him at all and run. I need this time to myself and relax without anyone. If he cant understand that then I shouldnt be hanging out with him I guess. Maybe I should just tell him that maybe we should just see where I am at in a few months and then start from scratch. If he gets involved with someone else than so be it. It wasnt meant to be. It would almost be impossible for me to do that though because the last thing that I want to do is hurt him. HELP!!!! The other thing is that he doesnt like how busy I am. I can inly hang out with him two days a week and he wants more I guess, I am spread too thin. I need to be able to do my music and need someone who likes space and will allow me to do the things I love. I am just so confused. I dont want to be alone. I love affection and really love to be with someone but when everything inside says no I have got to go with that. I have to listen to my heart. I will just have to talk with him about it on Friday when we are hanging out. I wasnt that affectionate and he kinda got upset about that. Usually I am the one that wants more affection not the guy??? hmmmm. what's wrong with me? I am going to blame it on the one thing that kinda makes since....My period.