Going down in more ways than one...

I am finally back down to 115! I have had to not eat at night but I got there. I will make it! I know that I can do this and I am more determined than ever. I think that if I can stay on track I will continue to go down. I am hoping to get a tan this weekend too and that always makes me feel a little better about my self. Fat always looks better tan.

So the boy plan, I dont really have one but I am about to figure it out here. I am a verbal person and I cant really figure out my problems unless I say it out loud. I am talking in my head so that should work. Oh by the way, those voices I relize was my air conditioner, and the fact that I get terrified at night and think that someone is going to break inside my house to kill me... I live alone in one of the worse neighborhoods in Athens. I love my house though (it's cheap!). Anyway, back to the plan. Tonight I am getting together with Paul (I am off the dreaded period and so I think that I will be able to think more clearly). I am going to have a few drinks so that I will be a little more at ease to talk about "us". What I basically want to say is that I think that if he wants to date someone else he is free to do so, that I am liking being single right now and really want this time to transition from my relationship with Pete. I have told him this literally five times already. I know what it is. He hangs out with me and likes me more and more everytime we hang out. He just wants me to be his girlfriend so bad. Isnt this weird. Usually it's the girl that is like that. I love him to death but I am not that attracted to him physically and he's messy and he smokes. I am going to have to tell him this, except that I am not attracted to him...That would just be ridiculous. I am going to have to tell him that if we were to hang out two things would have to happen. First he would have to tell me his age, and second he would have to quit smoking. Now I dont mind a if he has one on a occasion (even I will have one with a drink) but this smoking almost a pack a day has got to stop. There is nothing worse than waking up to smoke. I HATE it. If he feeling like I am putting too much pressure on him than I am going to have to tell him that's how I feel when he wants me to give him a answer wether or not I will go out with him. I also think that if he cant handle me not being his girlfriend and me being as busy as I am then we shouldnt see eachother anymore. I told him that I am not really that busy and it is just because I am doing a lot for the next couple of weeks, but the truth is and now I relize, I am just about the busiest person I know. If he cant deal or come with me to parties and events then we cant be together. He will not be attending my show on saturday or seeing my video. He has decided not to return to the block where his store used to be for a long time. That is good and bad. Bad because my favorite bar is next to his old shop and that is basically where everything is. And good because if we dont see each other than I just will go to my bar and hang out on that block for a while until I think that things would be cool between us. Tonight is the night. I WILL figure out something. The biggest part of me really wants to say "Paul, I think that we shouldnt see each other for a couple of months and then see where we are." Let me have this time so that IF we do start something than it will be amazing." I doubt that I will be able to say that though. You never know what a few drinks will do though. Please wish me luck if anyone is reading this damn thing and tell me what you think I should do if there is something that I havent thought of. He is very sensitive and I know that if I say that to him it will just crush him. HE said that if we werent dating that he wouldnt want to hang out with me, even a s friends. I know it is because it would be too hard for him. (Sigh) How do I get myself into this. I will ask the cards tonight before going out on what the out come will be (no I am not a hippie but I do think mine work). So yes I am going down in more ways than one. My weight and my relationships. After Paul I will have to tackle Pete. One step at a time. I have to remember to breathe, I hope I look back at this one day and laugh...