I cant believe this shit. I just wrote a HUGE thing and it got erased by this dumb ass blog site. This is bullshit. I am pissed. Ok so here's the readers digest version...sorry.
So tonight is the night that I have got to tell Paul what is up. I am SO not looking forward to it. I know that as soon as I walk in the door he will give me a kiss and I know that I will like it which will just make things harder. I dont know if I should just walk straight in and start talking or wait a little while. I guess I will wait a bit and then tell him that I have some things on my mind and I would really like to talk. I have no idea what I will say but I do know some reverse physcology and know that you should always bookend a bad conversation with positive thoughts about the person that way they go into it and leave the coversation with positive thoughts. So here it goes this is what I think that I will say....
"Paul, I am so glad that I met you. You have been so incredibly good to me through out our relationship thus far. I have spent a lot of time thinking while you have been out of town and mulling things over. In the begining I think that we both were ok with the idea of us having a casual relationship and just enjoying our time together. I do however think that the more time that we have spent together the more that we have grown to like eachother more. I am so oevrwhelmed with so much. It really came out of no where me meeting you and the feelings that I developed for you so quickly. I have got to allow myself the time and space to get over my realationship with Pete and I have to have this time to transition myself and be ok with me being alone for a while, I havent not had a boyfriend in 10 years. That is crazy. I want to jump in head first but my body, mind and soul will not allow me too. I am literally exhausted from doing so much here of late and I just cant go on like this. I think that you are a wonderful person and if I didnt care about you so much I wouldnt do this. I hope that one day this could work out for us (I really do) but the timing is not right for me. I adore you Paul and dont want to hurt you so by me telling you this is extremely hard for me. I just think that the more that we hang out the more that we will like eachother and if I did jump into something with you now, later I would want to be alone and allow myslef my space. I would rather do this now and get it over with so that I can have a fresh start and be able to put forth the effort that a realationship needs. I need a few months that's all to see where I am at. It is too easy for me to just go out with you because I am so weak right now and love the affection I get from you. I cant let myself do this. We have only known each other for a short time and really feel like I need to do this now before it is too late. I hope that you understand that I would'nt do this unless I didnt care as much as I do for you. What are your feelings?" Does that sound good? Let me know. I am trying to do this as painless as possible. I dont want to completely crush the guy. If i can do this than my life will be easier, it will hurt me too but I know that this is what I need. Shut the door on both of them and be ALONE. I need some much needed Heather time. I will wait to talk to Pete until Saturady (we were going to talk last night but I decided to walk so I had to leave right after practice so that I could make it home before dark. I live in a bad neighborhood.) We are playing a big show and it will be our last one together. We did talk about that last night so that is good and going in the right direction. He knows anyway how I feel and knows that it is coming so it is not going to be half as hard for me as the Paul situation is. So I pray that I have some good news to report tomorrow just keep me in your thoughts around 8:00 tonight!
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